Heavy
by PurpleAjah
Summary: Ayame disappoints everyone at some point, it seems. Why then, when someone disappoints him for perhaps the first time, is it worse then the other way around?


_Disclaimer: Don't own it_

_AN: This is quite obviously (to me) Ayame's POV. It is set just after Kana's memories are erased and Hatori gets a glass chucked at his face by the one and only Akito. And yes, that's right folks! 3rd oneshot I posted in a day. That is highly unusual for me and I am currently praising myself. Thank you for reading/listening._**  
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**Heavy**

The hospital had always seemed like a dreaded place to me. All that white, and it always had that strong 'sick people' smell. It was not really my choice of place to be. But this time, what the building smelt and looked like was background information compared to the person their walls held. I go in and out of panic as my senses go into overload… to not noticing anything. I zone into the reason that they will not instantly let me see my friend: a content visitation form.

Why do I have to spend precious minutes of 'Tori's time filling out such a stupid form… But it does not matter any more, because now I am running down the pristine white hallway and the silence presses down around me.

I have always been too late. I have always disappointed someone. When I was not there for him I disappointed Yuki, and even now my attempts to win him back somehow disappoint him, as he looks at me with eyes that say 'it isn't enough, it won't ever be enough.' I disappoint my mother, I disappoint Akito. I have disappointed Hatori before, and Shigure, when I was too loud when I should have been silent, when I do not understand some of the things they say. I have disappointed everyone at one stage, but this time I will help, this time, I hope that I will not disappoint anybody because it is too important to do so.

There he was. Propped up against pillows with bandages around his head. To me, with those white walls pressing in on all sides he was trapped. A dragon trapped in a sea of white. "'Tori… I came as soon as I heard…" With effort I had kept most of my anxiety out of that greeting, but still his name was too loud, and echoed in the room where the only sounds were my ragged breaths and the steady beeping coming from a machine beside my friend's bed.

Spotting a chair I flopped down on it before restlessly perching on the edge, eventually giving up and standing stiff-legged beside his bed.

"Are you awake, Tori? I'm sorry. I came as soon as I heard…" realizing I was repeating myself I made myself stop, then burst out with words as I rambled to him about nothing. The silence was too heavy.

Finally, his voice sounded, weariness made apparent whist my own voice still struggled to fill the silence. "Ayame? Is that you?" Of course he could not see with all those bandages around his head. When he spoke, I calmed down. His voice has that affect on me.

"Ayame… Kana… Is she alright? Tell me she is alright Ayame." His hand lifted, searching. I clasped it in my own.

"Kana is alright. You erased her memories and she is… she is fine. Are you though? I mean, not about your eye… but inside, 'Tori. Can you handle the grief?" His hand seemed lax as I squeezed it, trying to push some of my life into him.

I asked this question seriously. When they were younger and had first experienced just how harsh life could be, we had promised each other that if we trusted each other, we would accept the help offered, and heal.

Seconds passed as Ayame waited for an answer. He finally realized that he was not going to get one, and his face blanched and suddenly his hand dropped Hatori's, recoiling back to wrap around himself. Protecting from the hurt. "H-Hatori?" He asked, wanting to be certain.

"I'm sorry Ayame." Hatori's voice sounded dead. "This time… There is nothing left to heal."

I stood and stared at the broken man I called my best friend, then in a sort of daze I walked out of the room and down the hallway. The silence no longer seemed heavy. It was light, carefree. Somehow, I preferred it weighing down on my shoulders.

…

Years passed. I never told Shigure what Hatori had said. I did not want his pitting looks if Hatori had told him no. No, he could not handle the grief. Yes, help me. If he had said that to Shigure and not me… Maybe it was one of those things I would not understand. One of those things I wouldn't 'get', so instead of sharing with me, my two best friends share looks over my head. One of those things.

Hatori never got over the grief completely, but he… went back to being constant. Perhaps a little less bright, and perhaps those pauses where he goes silent, and his eye goes blank… were a little longer. The pauses where I can almost see him remembering.

Me? I'm happy. I can admit that to myself. It is in my nature to smile and mean it. I still hurt though. That, I hide.


End file.
